Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Why is it that...

Every time I find a volunteer opportunity, it disappears from me before I can even apply?

Several months back, I intended to volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters. Sounds good, except the local branch here requires a valid driver's license. Seeing as how I can't legally obtain one due to my sensory issues, I'm out of luck there.

Fast-forward to now. I find an opportunity at Phoenix Children's Hospital. Transportation could be worked out. Volunteers are required to have specialized training, which they provide in-house. No problem for me, except their website says this training is "very costly". What does that mean, exactly? If it's money, than I'm screwed. Again.

And none of it is my fault.

Issues with the Autism Speaks message boards... again.

I was told by some of the more open-minded regulars there that they appreciated my presence, as a spectrum adult. They could learn from my experiences while at the same time, I could learn from them, seeing as how I plan on adopting a spectrum kid in a few years.

That was from November until December. After my failed suicide attempt, they were concerned for me.

But then this month, the forum went completely to Hell. Now I'm told I'm ignorant and that my advice as a spectrum adult is no longer appreciated. Yet at the same time, there are at least four other spectrum adults there who AREN'T getting flamed for their advice. Their advice is exactly the same as mine, just worded more vaguely than what I say.

What the Hell gives? Why the Hell aren't they being flamed for their advice?

Nothing against the open-minded parents on the forums, or the adult autistics, if you're reading this. But I'm tired. I want to leave that board for good, but I just can't.

It's like Hotel California at that message board.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Me = singer

While I'm hoping to become a professional web designer within a couple of years from now, I'm doing some singing and writing too. Right now, all I have done are cover songs (using some very crappy karaoke tracks for most of them), but if anyone wants to hear some of my work, I have added my music Myspace to my links section. Some of these will also be on my Youtube profile, also available in the the links.

Currently working on two albums. One is an album promoting awareness of autism, covering both the positive and negative sides.

The other is a tribute to U2, with each song on it played in an acoustic setting on my new Gibson.

After that, who knows? Perhaps I will get an original song up there someday. But with college going on, added to my ongoing musical projects, that will have to wait.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Various things to reflect upon

From December to now, a lot of things have happened in my life.

12/30: I attempted (and almost succeeded) suicide. Don't know how or even why I'm still alive. I've been given too many chances as it is.

Early Jan.: I became a registered organ donor in the state of Arizona. If something were to happen to me (whether self-inflicted or by accident), I would want to help others even in death. Should one (or more) of my organs not be usable, they will be donated to medical research.

Mid-Jan. to now: I have started to become more open about myself to my Dad. He has never seen my meltdowns or my self-injury in person, so I felt it was time to end the silence.

He also now knows about my plans for the future. When college is finished somewhere down the line, and I have some money to my name, I plan to adopt a special needs child. Probably will be a boy, and one who has an ASD. Of course, it would be hard starting out (single, can't drive, and I would need a place to stay for the first few months), but I know I can do it. My Dad knows it too. He supports my decision 100 percent.

I love my Dad. I don't say that to him often enough.

Sunday, January 27, 2008


It's raining here as I type this.

I hate rain. It's cold and wet and my sensory issues, which normally don't involve touch, kick in. I realize rain is needed in some places, but I hate it still.

I want to go outside right now.

But I can't.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Welcome, Autism Hub members and readers

Thanks for accepting me.

I feel honored to be finally accepted in a group. Virtually or otherwise.

I hope I can do you all good.

There is a musician I feel I need to share with people.

His name is Mike Doughty.

He used the pseudonym M. Doughty as a member of "deep slacker jazz" (term coined by Doughty himself) band Soul Coughing. But he has been went solo in 2000, and went on to form Mike Doughty's Band in 2004.

He has released two albums and two EP's, with a new album, entitled Golden Delicious, due in mid-February.

You can sample three of his older songs here, until his site gets redesigned.

He's kinda like Bob Dylan, in that he is an excellent writer, but my goodness, he can't sing to save his life. Despite this (or even in spite of this), I still like his stuff.

Majority of his songs are sad, and he's bipolar, so he balances out his concerts with hilarious banter. Several recordings of his shows can be found on, under the Live Music Archive.

Oh, and a word of warning to anyone downloading the live material: Most of his songs are clean (one use of the 'f-word' in the song "Tremendous Brunettes"), but his language otherwise, isn't clean. So if you are offended by such language, don't listen. Please.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Clinical evaluation may be happening soon

Dad's emailing the psychologist, to see if I can qualify as a patient.

She is technically a pediatric neuropsychologist, but her bio says she also works with young adults, and she is the only ASD specialist in the Phoenix area that doesn't require a referral.

So we'll see.

Get the AS diagnosis and see what's triggering my depression.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

In the mail...

Today, the things I got from AutismLink arrived.

I now own an Autism Awareness lanyard (to hold my keys) and a puzzle ribbon lapel pin.

Several adults on the spectrum (as well as some parents of kids) don't like the puzzle logo, and they have valid reasons for their viewpoints.

But I'm not one of them. To me, it is the easiest way of raising awareness in public. Since I appear normal to most people, they don't know about my autism. Hopefully, me wearing these items will change this.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Autism and self-injury

Harold Doherty from Facing Autism in New Brunswick posted this entry several days ago, regarding his son's self-injuries.

Mr. Doherty,

I do agree with you that there is no joy in self-injurious behavior. I do it myself. I don't bite, though. I scratch my wrists and punch myself in the forehead. I would like it to stop. But I have no control over when meltdowns occur, and it just happens.

But on the other hand, I still find joy in autism. Perhaps another time, I will explain my reasoning more.

If there were cures for depression, anxiety, stress, meltdowns and self-harm, I would take them in an instant. But these aren't autism, they are comorbid conditions. I don't need cured of my autism. I like who I am, regardless of my own issues.

It is possible to find joy in autism without finding joy in the comorbids.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I dread the year of 2012.

This is when it has been said that Compact Fluorescent Lights will be made mandatory in the United States.

I don't like this one bit.

1. They're useful if you want extreme sensory overload, and that's really all. They're too bright.

2. They emit dangerous levels of mercury vapor, more than what you would get from Thimerosal, amalgam fillings and fish combined.

3. If you accidentally break one, you are required to call HazMat and evacuate your home until they arrive and give an "All clear".

4. They don't last nearly as long as advertised.

Damn this government.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Of all the things I hate in this world,

One of the things I hate most is being taken out of context.

One certain member of the Autism Speaks forum thinks I have "zero credibility" because I never received an official autism diagnosis.

Look. Just because I am undiagnosed officially, does not make me not credible. I am not a liar. I never misrepresent myself. Ever. There are many autistic adults who NEVER get diagnosed.

All this because of a topic about stimming. He expects the poster to blindly follow his advice (going GFCF), while I say that the poster can do this, but to see a pediatrician first. GFCF is not only very restrictive, but it is quite expensive and the foods available (other than rice) literally taste like sh!t. GFCF should never be done without consulting a doctor and getting GI tests done. This is ALL I said, and this person decides to repeatedly go ad hominem on me.

That was the final straw. I have to log in to read PM's I've been sent, but otherwise, I am finished.

I may make one final post when my diagnosis becomes official (and it WILL, you can count on it), though I also may not.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Life ain't always beautiful.

Gary Allan sang this song about his deceased wife, but I find I can relate to much of it.

Life ain't always beautiful.
Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Life can knock you down.
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful.
You think you're on your way.
And it's just a dead end road
at the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger,
and the changes make you wise.
And happiness has it's own way
of taking it's own sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life ain't always beautiful,
but it's a beautiful ride.

Life ain't always beautiful.
Some days I miss your smile.
I get tired of walking
all these lonely miles.

And wish for just one minute,
that I could see your pretty face.
Guess I can dream,
but life don't work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger,
and the changes make me wise.
And happiness has it's own way
of taking it's sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful.
But I know I'll be fine.
Life ain't always beautiful,
but it's a beautiful ride.

What a beautiful ride.

I'm applying for Medicaid.

Since I don't work and my dad pays for everything when he can barely pay for himself, I'm applying for ACCHS, which is Arizona's Medicaid service. Hopefully I get approved, as I need more dental work done (two more molars need out as soon as possible) and hopefully I can get fillings put in as well.

Second thing I will do if approved?

Get a flu shot. I hate needles a lot, but I hate the flu even more. I should also check and see when my last tetanus shot was. Last vax I got was the third in the Hep. B series, so I could stay in high school or be expelled (somehow I never got the third one when I was younger).

Friday, January 18, 2008

Things I wish I could've told my parents sooner.

I think I have been blessed to have such wonderful and understanding parents.

I know they're blessed to have me in their lives.

However, there are some things they don't know about me. I need to come clean.

1. I have extreme sensory issues, which if left untreated, will prohibit me from driving. Ever. Even if I wanted to, Arizona state law forbids this. It's a mere safety issue, which is understandable. I need sunglasses wherever there is a fluorescent light (and I'm surrounded by them). The same applies to sunlight, strobe lights and really, just about any light source. I need earplugs when I'm walking to Arco or to Target. It's THAT bad.

Whenever I return home from somewhere, I have frequent meltdowns due to sensory overload. Thankfully I'm alone when they occur, as they get rather ugly at times. Do you really think I should be driving? I don't.

2. I'm a lover of things cute and cuddly. Especially stuffed animals and other plush dolls. Matter of fact, during my most recent trip to Target, I bought myself a new teddy bear. If this somehow makes me "girly" or whatever, please tell me. I could honestly care less about how people perceive me. I want to be me and nobody should make me into something I'm not.

3. High-functioning autism/Asperger's syndrome is NOT a bad thing. The reason technology and science have progressed this much is because many of the world's greatest minds were autistic. Newton, Galileo, Einstein, Bill Gates. Just to name a few. Some autistics have even made great progress in music. There is autistic savant Matt Savage, as well as Gary Numan and Craig Nicholls (of The Vines). Heck, John Lennon is speculated to have had AS. Judging by his profoud way with written language, plus his mannerisms during interviews, I tend to agree with this.

So really, just because I might have AS, and am not currently holding a paying job, doesn't mean I'll end up a nobody. I'll work when I'm ready to. Right now, I'm not ready. There's a chance I may never be ready. So please, don't try to rush me.

There was a #4, but I can't remember it right now. Perhaps I will at a later date.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Want an autism support forum, but can't deal with the political B.S.?

Well, there's good news.

Thomas McKean now has a place where you can get this.

Neurointegrity. All the support, none of the crap.

There are ND subscribers there, and there are those who don't affiliate themselves with ND.

There are biomed parents, and there are those who chose the traditional methods.

Best of all, autistics are allowed to be autistic and happy without people shoving political crap in their faces.

Come, join. We need more members!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Question: Who would you rather be like, Babe Ruth, or Michael Jackson?

Anyone is open to answer this. Autistic, or not.

My answer: Michael Jackson, without question.

Michael is an adult kid, that has been falsely accused of child molestation twice. He loves animals and helping those in need. Especially underprivileged kids.

Babe Ruth was one of the greatest baseball players of all time. But he was also a jerk, a drunk and a womanizer.

I would rather be an adult kid than a drunk womanizer.

But that's just me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

College semester is starting.

This semester I am getting into web design. I know some html already, and I hope this will help me to learn even more.

Better yet, I am doing it online. Even better than that, the class format is "go at your own pace", which is better for someone like me, as I need to take my time to do certain things.

One of these days, you all will be asking ME to design your websites :)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

A couple things...


I've been getting a lot of anon comments lately. I'm ok with that. But please, let me know who you are. Makes things so much easier for me.


I am now a registered organ donor in the state of Arizona. This is something I feel very strongly about, and it makes me happier knowing that when I go, someone's life could be saved.

If that fails and none of my organs can be used for whatever, I have also given permission for the state to give my parts to a medical research facility.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I'm leaving the Autism Speaks forum.

I can't take the damn bickering any longer.

I'm not blaming a sole person or side. Both sides are to blame.

As Ed Kowalczyk once said in a song, "Calm the fuck down".

Until that happens, you won't see me there any longer except by private message.


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I can has accusation?

Let me quote a post on WrongPlanet:

I think Beau99 works for the government or the prescription drug seems to be a recurring theme with him.

Ha! As if!

I actually consider this an honor, though. I now officially join the ranks of Autism Diva and Amanda Baggs as having been accused of being a Big Pharma representative. Since both of them are good people, I can't help but feel a rise in my ego :)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

We humans don't give our cats enough credit


On December 30, while I lay in bed, actually close to death, my cat could tell something was wrong with me.

These cats are smarter than we think. I think that many of them, may actually be aspies in disguise. I really mean it.

Every cat I've known has had at least three aspie traits. From sensory issues, all the way to wanting to be alone most of the day. I'm sure I've seen one or two actually stimming.

There's a book, entitled All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome, which only helps my theory. The book is aimed at kids, though I think it's complete fact.

This blog post opened my eyes.

Normally I don't link to other people's entries, but now is an exception.

This is aimed at autistics/aspies who don't think they're disabled. Read it. Multiple times, if you need to. There are others who don't fit in this category, who may be educated by it.

Welcome to the Disability Community.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

It's 2008.

Well, this is the first entry for the new year.

I can't really think of any goals for the year, except for one.

That is getting this depression under control. As I was poisoned by Paxil I'd rather not go the medication route again. I am going to see a psychologist soon, hopefully. The sooner, the better.

For those who don't know me from other places, I attempted suicide on December 30. I intentionally overdosed on vicodin. I took 6 pills at once. With my low body weight, 1 or 2 more probably would have killed me. I almost stopped breathing twice. So I am very lucky to be typing this.

So the sooner we work something out, the better off I will be in the long term.

I have said it before, but I will say it again.

I am autistic and proud. But I really f%^&ing hate depression and everything that comes with it.